Madeline Iris Jean Anderson's Faery Ring

In The Daily Life Of A Me

No, Seriously, I’m Not Fucking Around, You Really Don’t Want To Be A Writer
mairijeaan
http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2011/01/20/no-seriously-im-not-fucking-around-you-really-dont-want-to-be-a-writer/

Devious Journal Entry
mairijeaan

How to Feel Alive,
by ~epiphenomenon on deviantART

Objectivity
mairijeaan
There is no such thing as objectivity.

Atheism, rational empiricism, skepticism, these are all fine and dandy things. Atheists etc are cool with me, unless they get up in my face about my beliefs. But they are not the be all and end all for very simple reasons:

We CANNOT know everything.

We CANNOT be objective.

We CANNOT explain all that we know.

It really pisses me off when I watch shows about hardcore scientists who totally scoff at anything beyond the physical. Many geniuses do NOT think this way, and the ones that do make me want to punch them in the face. My belief in paganism, my faith in God, and my acceptance of the mysteries of the universe are too often perceived as willful ignorance, as childish naivete, and as close-mindedness.

These things are not at all true. Yes, I have my beliefs--and they evolve. God is a huge part of my life, as are the myriad ways to more fully understand the world--and myself. I am okay with not being able to understand everything, but I strive to understand more every day.

Nagels says there is no such thing as objectivity, and that all experiences are subjective. Hence this rant :)

Where Has HELLSING Been All My Life?
mairijeaan
...Oh yeah, I gave up on anime before anyone could get me to watch it.

BAD SELF, VERY BAD.

I watched the first eight episodes with Shadow today, and OH. MY. GOD. My love is too great! Alucard, Integra, Victoria...EEK!!!

I want to watch the rest of it, but I have no time, and I get really impatient watching anime on my own. Phooey.

Today is a day for lame entries because the tears are barely dried on my face, and I am working very hard to not freak out, which leaves no energy for focus. So, at least I posted! Sorta.

My Heart Needs To Make Up Its Goddamn Mind
mairijeaan
EVERY time I think I'm over it...

EVERY time I think it's gone...

EVERY time I feel free of him...

THE HEART ACHE RETURNS.

I am in love with Mark, still, for no other reason than NO FUCKING REASON AT ALL.

My own writing today comes back and bites me in the ass: "Love is not something you earn."

It's NOT logical, it's NOT fair, and it's NOT easy to chase away.

Dammit.

It was the dumbest thing, too, that brought it crashing back. The implied image of me as a kitten and my father as a bulldog--small and delicate with strong and fierce. It doesn't help that Mark is very much like my father, as my father played a huge part in his development, and I love my father dearly and want to marry someone a lot like him.

God-fucking-DAMMIT.

What To Blog About?
mairijeaan
I am exhausted in every dimension. Well, okay, not really. I am just worn out. All I want to do is write my novel and SLEEP. Sleep isn't even as vital to me right now, because I just want to NOT go to school.

WHICH I WON'T. UNTIL MONDAY. OMG SQUEE.

HUGE essay due today, turned it in, worried he will not read it through and just give me an F.

TWO exams next Tuesday: Christianity and Trig. Blah on principal.

Bio exam yesterday. OMG I AM NOT SURE IF I DID ALRIGHT. ARGH.

Aaand...I have not been blogging or editing like I schedule. DX

Need. REST. As in FREEDOM FROM HELL. As in NO SCHOOL.

Till Monday <3

Therapy, Nutrition, And Sex All Wrapped Into One
mairijeaan
Writing is the most amazing thing in my life.

it is my healer. It helps me move past what was once horrible in my life. It helps me appreciate the time I have now. It brightens my day, and my mood, and connects me with my best friends, and fellow tweeps.

It is my sustenance. It gets me up in the morning, excited to work. It lulls me to sleep at night, giving my dreams meaning. I sleep less now, I wake up more refreshed. I am losing wait, craving healthier foods, snacking less, and this is all in part due to writing.

It is my pleasure. It makes me breathe hard, it makes my heart race, it excites me, it touches me deep down within. My characters console me, talk to me, surprise me, like friends, and family, and lovers. There is never a dull moment, only moments when I'm being a lazy bitch and need to get back to work.

My life is better with writing. Without it, gods know where I'd be now. Without it, I'd be miserable, and friendless, and grumpy. With it, life is a joy, and life is full of endless possibilities. When depressed, writing keeps me alive. When content, it gives me room to thrive.
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I Don't Think I Can Ever Share My Religious Beliefs With My Parents
mairijeaan
This thought makes me very sad.

Christy has been urging me to open up to my parents for about two years, now. "They are open-minded, understanding, loving people," she says. "They will accept you no matter what."

She is not lying; my parents are wonderful. They would never kick me out of the house or dislike me for my choices. And maybe one day I will be brave enough to share the bare-bones of myself with them.

But...

My father is so atheistic he isn't even atheistic; it's not that he doesn't believe in God, it's that he KNOWS there isn't one. My mother is Buddhist, but she doesn't believe in God. They both reject every incidence of belief in magic without question.

The funny thing is, I do too. I don't believe in the supernatural--there IS no "other-than-the-natural," it's all nature--but I believe in MAGICK. I practice witchcraft. I believe in energy, and empathy, and psychic abilities, and things that human beings cannot fully explain. That we will never be able to fully explain.

But how do you say "psychic abilities are real, and they are not supernatural" and have it make sense? It was an ordeal to tell them I was BISEXUAL. And don't even get me STARTED on my dad's views of lesbianism. (He doesn't think I should get married to a girl because it makes having children more complicated. "Why not just cut out the middle man?") I love my parents dearly, but I am not like them, not anymore.

Even worse, I hate myself for how I talk to them. Agreeing with their scorn of PARANORMAL ACTIVITY. Yeah, the movie is fiction, but...it touches on some things that are REAL. And, ugh, I don't even know anymore.

I need to forge my own life. I am going to have enough problems being who and what I am in the world we live in. How can I deal with this, too?

Back To Writing
mairijeaan
I have been AWOL lately because of laziness, AT&T incompetency, and shitty memory. But among all that, there has been writing.

LOTS of writing.

I have 49 handwritten pages (24 front-and-back, 1 just front) forward in my novel, and 14 pages (7 front and back) that is the very VERY end-end of this novel. I have averaged seven pages in the past nine days. (I have written 2 pages today, and if that doesn't up by midnight, it'll be the lowest number I've had in a while.) AND THE ONLY REASON MY AVERAGE IS SO LOW is that I had a 2-day, a 3-day, and a 4-day. Other than that, it's been six to eleven.

11-7-3-9-4-6-2-11-8.

I love my life, writing is amazing, everything else is falling into place, I'm making friends, I'm losing weight, and did I mention that my life kicks ass?

No editing in ages, though, but oh well. Baby steps, my life will never be perfectly balanced :)
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This Playlist Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time
mairijeaan
I have missed several days in a row (because I suck) and I have a bunch of ideas for new blogs (because I fail) but I am not doing any of them today (because I suck) because I simply must report this (because I fail).

I picked my favorite SOLITARY songs for a writing playlist. I did not choose them for their relevance to my characters, or my mood, or the scene's tone, or for any other reason than I enjoy them immensely and they make me productive.

So far, that has held true, but with some...interesting side-effects.

Here's the playlist. You'll see what I mean.

(It is titled #WRITING on iTunes, because I am a loser, and it is currently in ABC order by artist. Eeeugh.)



Can't Sleep    Above And Beyond
Time Stands Still    All American Rejects
Paper Thin Hymn    Anberlin
A Little Piece of Heaven    Avenged Sevenfold
The Little Drummer Boy      Bob Seger
3    Britney Spears
Disturbia    The Cab
Tubthumping    Chumbawamba
Zombie    The Cranberries
You Spin Me Right Round    Dead Or Alive
Do You Realize?    The Flaming Lips
DOA    Foo Fighters
Over My Head    The Fray
Breathe In    Frou Frou
Notice    Gomez    Gomez
In the Hall of the Mountain King    Grieg
I Get Off    Hailstorm
Come Clean    Hillary Duff
Fly    Hillary Duff
Down    Jay Sean ft. Lil Wayne
Standing Still    Jewel
Who Will Save Your Soul    Jewel
Chase This Light    Jimmy Eat World
Raindrops    Kandi Kids
TiK ToK    Kesha        Tik Tok
Let It Rock     Kevin Rudolf ft Lil Wayne
Bad Romance    Lady Gaga
Hanging By A Moment    Lifehouse
She Will Be Loved    Maroon 5
Monsters    Matchbook Romance
FSCENE8    The Medic Droid
The Killer Anna    The Medic Droid
It's About Love    The Medic Droid
Keeping Up With The Joneses    The Medic Droid
Are You Happy Now?    Michelle Branch
You're Gonna Go Far, Kid    The Offspring
Ignorance    Paramore
While the Earth Sleeps    Peter Gabriel & Deep Forest
Forever And For Always    Shania Twain
Thirst Is Taking Over    Skillet
Invincible    Skillet
Energy    Skillet
The Fire Breathes    Skillet
Connected (Full Version)    Stereo MCs
Why Does It Always Rain On Me?    Travis
Sanctuary (Japanese)    Utada Hikaru
English Sanctuary    Utada Hikaru
Twilight    Vanessa Carlton
The Best I've Ever Had    Vertical Horizon
Bittersweet Symphony    The Verve

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